if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
