She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
