I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You did what with his pubic hair?
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