one two three fourrrrnication!
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
