I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
