one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
