Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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