When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
