Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
