im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
