If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
