My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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