Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
