Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
