I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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