Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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