Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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