Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
