Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
