fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
