Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
