yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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