he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
