I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
