i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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