Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
