Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
