Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
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