I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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