i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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