Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
