It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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