Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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