Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
