I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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