I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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