What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
