i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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