I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
