I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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