The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
