he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
the liver wants what the liver wants
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
