When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
