I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
