I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
