I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
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