You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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