Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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