you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
