I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
