I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
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Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
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I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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