Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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