Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
