I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
