Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
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