Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I'm really busy with my period
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