Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
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My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
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He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
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