singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
