I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
