So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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